The rest is history...

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd better buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis." "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box , carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out! , but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right........ Voodoo Penis, my ass." The rest is history...

Dumb Cops

Three branches of the police, the UNIFORMED, SWAT and the DETECTIVES are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The police chief decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The DETECTIVES go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
SWAT goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The UNIFORMED officers go in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten squirrel. The chief looks at the squirrel, and asks "What's going on? You were supposed to find a rabbit. One of UNIFORMED officers nudges the squirrel, who breaks down in tears: "Alright, alright. I admit it, I'm the rabbit".

Marijuana Gumballs

Howard County - At first glance, the yellow smiley face gumballs confiscated from Howard High School seem innocent enough. But stuffed in the so-called “Greenades” was something that caught the attention of federal drug enforcement agents: marijuana.“It’s a new idea and it’s new to the DEA,” said Gregory Lee, a retired supervisory special agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency, who had never heard of anyone packaging marijuana in such a way before. “When it comes to drug-dealing, you’re only limited by your imagination.”The DEA recently released an intelligence bulletin about the gumballs, which Howard County police say were confiscated from Ellicott City’s Howard High in January. “We’ve not seen anything like this before,” said Howard County police spokeswoman Sherry Llewellyn. “If the DEA thinks it’s enough for an intelligence bulletin to come out, then it’s important. This is the only case of this we’ve seen in Howard County for sure.” County police said they charged three 17-year-old students at Howard High this year in the incident after a teacher alerted a school resource officer. On Jan. 11, the teacher told the officer that she saw a student give a small plastic bag that she believed contained drugs to another student. The police officer contacted the student and seized the bag, which contained two small “candy balls” wrapped in foil containing marijuana, police said. Police charged two students at the school with distribution of drugs on school property and a third with possession of marijuana. Howard County police turned the gumballs over to Maryland State Police, whose Forensic Sciences Division Laboratory in Pikesville determined each gumball contained approximately one gram of marijuana. The instructions on the foil of the gumballs told users to chew for 30 minutes to one hour “before you would like receive your high” and to “chew for as long as possible, then swallow.”Maryland State Police said it was the first time they had encountered “Greenades,” according to the DEA intelligence report.

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Interesting...but that sounds nasty.

New Wiener

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I need a bigger wiener, can you help me?" The doc says "As a matter of fact there is a new procedure where we use part of a baby elephantstrunk as an implant. It doesn’t hurt the elephant and it seems to work great."The guy has the operation the next week. A month later he is on a date with a beautiful young blond. His first date with his new wiener. They are having dinner at a fancy restaurant and making small talk when all of the sudden his wiener comes up from beneath the table and grabs a roll and disappears beneath the table.His date looks at him and says, "Gosh, can you do that again?" Embarrassed he says, "I probably could, but I don’t think my ass could handle another Biscuit

URGES

I have the urge to jump over the counter at McDonalds and
Make my own Chicken McNuggets.
Because I’m tired of telling them that I want them fresh.
I’ll wait the five minutes but
They still give me some hot, nasty, microwave, re-cooked ones.
I have the right mind to slap the lady that tells me,
They are fresh. "No they aren’t!" I want to shout right back.
Don’t you ever have the urge to just punch people?
Too bad, I think sometimes that my body doesn’t react to my mind’s first reactions.
I think my urges are sometimes mean.
They are like my evil twin.
Like I have the urge to grab a cops gun.
Everyone who knows me, knows I would never do that though.
I mean, of course, unless I felt like acting on one of my many urges.
I have the drive to go rob a bank on broke days
Or go steal some money out of a cash register on some days.
I don’t think I would ever really do that.
Yet, am I criminal for thinking criminal thoughts?
A hoe for thinking hoe thoughts?
I have the urge to go stand on the freeway
And hold my hand up, just to see how many cars I can get to stop.
I have the urge to get hit by one of those cars
To see who would come to my funeral.
Just cause I have the desire to find out if anybody really cares.
Am I the only one?
Do other people think about doing things that they would never do?
Am I the only one that says to myself, "What if?"
What if I did this? What if I did that?
What if I stood in the middle of the street buck ass naked?
Would you laugh at my ugly body?
Okay, maybe you don’t think that,
And maybe that was just a little too much information.
But you know what I am saying.
What if we all acted out our urges?
I’d be dead, in jail right now, or in a insane asylum,
Trying to refrain from thinking about why I acted on my urges.
I have the urge to become a cop so that I can arrest bad cops.
Or I might like to lie and say I’m only 12
So I can catch the pedophile who is acting on his urges.
I have the itch to tell the bill collector that keeps calling and sending mail,
That I’m not ever going to pay them the money.
At least not until I get the money.
I have the longing to tell telemarketers to kiss my ass.
I have the urge to splurge, no work, just play all day,
Walk around cussing, telling everyone they can go to hell.
But I can’t do that. I won’t do that.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have urges.
That doesn’t mean I don’t slip and fall sometimes…okay a lot of times.
I have the urge to slap people that criticize us when we do fall.
When we fall victims to our urges, our desires, our sins.
Not all my urges are bad, cruel and senseless.
I have some nice urges, some sad urges,
Things to do urges, things I want to believe urges.
Like I have the urge to believe that things really happen like they do in the movies.
But as soon as I step out of the movie theater, reality erases that urge.
Sometimes I have the urge to cry in public, but I’m afraid to let others see me cry.
At times, I have the urge to sing, even though I can’t sing a note.
Urges are a funny thing.
Can you judge a person by their urges?
If so, then I a pretty weird person, leading a double life.
But I don’t think so, urges are what they are.
Quick thoughts thrown at our brain from whichever angle.
When we decide to act on these urges good or bad,
Then we become them.
Most of us rationalize and think.
And most of us don’t act on all of our urges.

Sick Judge...Found Guilty!!

Sick ass Judge...


Police chief, detective testify at judges trial
Sapulpa Police Chief Jim Wall and Capt. Mike Reed testified Tuesday they heard what they believed to be a penis pump while in Donald Thompsons Sapulpa courtroom in 2002.

BRISTOW Jurors received their first look Tuesday at one of the infamous penis pumps former judge Donald Thompson allegedly used while conducting court during 2002 and 2003.The pump was introduced into evidence after Russell Hubbard, investigator for Pottawatomie County District Attorney Richard Smothermon, said he found the device in a locked filing cabinet allegedly owned by Thompson. Defense attorney Clark Brewster challenged the introduction of the pump, claiming there was no clear or convincing proof the sex toy actually belonged to Thompson.Hubbard said he found the pump in the bottom drawer of a locked filing cabinet in the chambers Thompson occupied in the Creek County Courthouse in Sapulpa for 24 years.The device consisted of a clear plastic tube connected to a flexible plastic hose and a hand-actuated pump with a pressure gage.The plastic tube had been cut in half apparently by the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation lab technicians who conducted DNA tests on the device.In an effort to prove the file cabinet belonged to the judge, Hubbard testified the pump was found among papers and documents belonging to Thompson, including utility bills from OG&E. Special prosecutor Patricia High called Sapulpa police Capt. Mike Reed as her first witness.Reed is credited with starting the investigation that led to Thompsons resignation and the indecent exposure charges filed by the state in January 2005.Reed said he was testifying in the first-degree murder trial of Paula S. Moss when he first detected the sh-sh sound coming from Thompsons bench.Reed said heard the sounds during a two-hour video of the interview of the murder defendant.The detective said he finally isolated the sound as coming from the judges bench, and he then repositioned himself to get a better view of Thompson and the judges actions.Reed said eventually he saw movement under the judges robe and observed a tube running under the robe.The detective said he told his supervisors Capt. Brant Green, who has since retired from the department, and Chief of Police Jim Wall.Reed said Wall and Green both acknowledged they also had heard the sh-sh sound in the courtroom.Together all three went back to the courtroom during lunch and observed a penis pump on the floor behind the judges bench, Reed said. He took three pictures of the sexual device and did not hear the sound again during the afternoon session of the trial.The detective said he returned to the courtroom again that night and the pump was not there.In cross-examination, Reed was asked why he did not tell of his discovery to Don Nelson, Creek County first assistant district attorney, or another state attorney who was prosecuting the Moss case.Brewster said it seemed proper to tell Nelson or Assistant District Attorney Carol Iski there was a problem that might have a serious impact on the trial.But High objected, and Reed was not required to answer the question.Wall testified there had been rumors weeks earlier the judge had a penis pump in the courtroom. Wall said no one had checked out the story until Reed heard the sounds during the Moss trial.Wall said at one point he and Reed made eye contact and that confirmed in his mind both were hearing the same sound.Wall said under his orders Reed retrieved a camera from the police department and shot pictures of the pump found under the judges bench.Wall said he kept the disc with the pictures and he really did not know exactly what to do.He said he began seeking advice that weekend from Creek County Sheriff Steve Toliver, Creek County District Judge Joe Sam Vassar and Creek County District Attorney Max Cook.Wall said he also invited Cook to go into Thompsons courtroom, but Cook declined.Wall said the following Monday, he called the Council on Judicial Complaints in Oklahoma City. Wall said he and Thompson had a good professional relationship, and the judge allowed Wall to put up signs of support for passing a bond issue to build a new police headquarters.Brewster also attempted to make points the scheme of the penis pump was part of a plan for the Sapulpa Police Department to get rid of Thompson.Throughout the day, Brewster raised numerous objections and nearly all were overruled by District Judge C. Allen McCall, of Comanche County, who was appointed to preside at the trial.However Brewster created one court-clearing incident and was warned by McCall one more outburst would find the fiery red-haired defense attorney in contempt of court.Brewster found himself in hot water when he raised his voice during the cross-examination of Hubbard.When Hubbard attempted to introduce literature on the operation of the pump, Brewster raised his voice, suddenly stopping the proceedings. McCall asked the jury to step outside the courtroom.Once jurors were out of the courtroom, McCall told Brewster, You will not raise your voice one more time, or I will find you in contempt. McCall then asked if Brewster understood.I think I got the message, Brewster said.Throughout the day Brewster made animated suggestions of his displeasure at the judges rulings such as shaking his head and rolling his eyes.At one point Brewster dropped his head into his hands in seeming disbelief after he lost another challenge.Hubbard said he learned of the locked filing cabinet when Creek County District Judge Douglas Golden left a message there was a locked filing cabinet in his office he believed belonged to Thompson.Brewster began his attack in his opening remarks when he said the charges against Thompson were the fabrication of a scheme by Wall to remove Thompson from office.Brewster said key witnesses Teresa Clee, Lisa Foster and Zelma Hindman jumped on board to get rid of the judge when they thought Thompson would lose his position and they wanted to keep their jobs.Brewster said other than these women, no one ever saw the exposed genitals.Other witnesses testifying for the state included Michelle Smith, who Thompson hired to replace Hindman, and Jan Doolin who also worked for Thompson as court reporter after Foster was terminated.Both Smith and Doolin said they enjoyed working for Thompson and would be happy to be employed by the former judge.When Smith was asked about going back to work for Thompson if given the chance, she said, in an heartbeat.At the start of the trial Tuesday, Smothermon delivered a surprise when he requested that McCall separate a misdemeanor charge of misuse of a state computer from the four felony counts of indecent exposure.Smothermon said so far law officers had been unable to serve a material witness arrest warrant signed by McCall after Angela McClanahan failed to make a court appearance Friday.Sapulpa Police Capt. Jeff Gilliland said High requested assistance from Sapulpa police and Tulsa County deputies to find McClanahan.He said deputies and two officers from Sapulpa accompanied High to a house near Jenks where McClanahan was living.McClanahan was not at the house, but deputies also knew of another residence where she might be located, he said.Gilliland said both McClanahans vehicle and a Jeep belonging to Thompson were parked at the unnamed residence.He said both of the vehicles were inoperative, and the house in question belonged to a man who had done mechanic work on both McClanahans and Thompsons vehicles.When officers arrived, they were met by the resident who told officers that McClanahan had ran out the back door of the house, Gilliland said.He said officers ran to the back of the house, and they could see where the woman had climbed a fence to make her escape into a heavily wooded area.

Few images

McDeath

I went to McDonald's today, armed with an assault rifle and intending to kill 30 or 40 people. You didn't see me, because I look just like you.Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I explode through that room in a frenzy of McDeath, pop-pop-popping moms and dads and hot cherry pies?Not because the man at the gun store sold me a clip that would hold only nine bullets. Reloading after nine people is as easy as after 30. For a person in my state of mind, who's really counting anyhow?And not because I caught a sudden glimpse of humanity, seeing all the mommies having lunch with their little darlings. Huh-uh. Not a chance.I'll tell you why I turned around and went home, the rifle still wrapped in plastic bags in my trunk. I really will. In just a bit.First, let me take a minute to explain myself. Let me tell who I am, and what it took to turn from an Ordinary Person into a monster willing -- wanting even -- to kill other Ordinary Person. Lots of 'em.All the berserk killers who went wild one day, the postal workers, the unemployed laborers, the Viet Nam vets, the courtroom murderers, the restaurant homicidal maniacs -- were just Ordinary People one day. Then they -- like me -- turned into Something Else.There was a time, you know, when we really were ordinary. We picked up the newspaper, saw a horrible story about a mass shooting and shook our heads. But that was before. Since then, look at all that has happened:We've been put down, shouted down, jilted, deprived, ratted on, denied and set aside. The money's gone. The dog's gone. There is no happiness left.We just want to do away with ourselves.So we stare at the bottom of an empty mug, and ponder life, and fate, and our own humanity. And we find that we have achieved nothing of note, no immortality, no deeds worthy even of the granite slab that will cover our last remains.Whimpering, snivelling, we determine to go out with a bang.For 15 minutes, we will be Very Important.In the time it takes to empty two or three clips, we will have impacted more people than we ever did in our entire miserable lives. Grown men will fear us, women will faint, neighbors will give interviews to TV cameras. We are cleansed of our weakness.And for a little time, police radios and sirens and red lights will look just like on TV.So I went to McDonald's today, armed with an assault rifle, wanting to kill people. I saw you there. Yes you, who now sit there smugly in front of your computer and don't care about me.I opened the trunk, pulled back the plastic, and looked at the cold black steel and hollow-pointed death. From the pit of my stomach I wanted to kill everyone I could, all those grandma types with the blue hair and the wretched kids who whined because they didn't get the right toy in their Happy Meal.I looked around, and no one cared. This had all been so easy.If they cared, I probably could not have purchased this gun, these bullets.We had grown accustomed to mass shootings, I saw. It was accepted, acceptable, a small price to pay for a freedom.I knew already what would happen if I went through with it. Somewhere in California a third-page story would cite a statistic, and in Texas a commentator would be angry, and in Florida it wouldn't even make the news. And so even pop-pop-popping at McDonald's didn't matter anymore.I guess, for the time being, I did something people did care about. I went home. I cared -- momentarily.But, even while you read this, sipping your drink and peering casually at this screen, somebody else is out there buying a gun -- and planning on taking you with them when they go.