Monday, July 31, 2006

Dumb Cops

Three branches of the police, the UNIFORMED, SWAT and the DETECTIVES are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The police chief decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The DETECTIVES go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
SWAT goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The UNIFORMED officers go in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten squirrel. The chief looks at the squirrel, and asks "What's going on? You were supposed to find a rabbit. One of UNIFORMED officers nudges the squirrel, who breaks down in tears: "Alright, alright. I admit it, I'm the rabbit".

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Marijuana Gumballs

Howard County - At first glance, the yellow smiley face gumballs confiscated from Howard High School seem innocent enough. But stuffed in the so-called “Greenades” was something that caught the attention of federal drug enforcement agents: marijuana.“It’s a new idea and it’s new to the DEA,” said Gregory Lee, a retired supervisory special agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency, who had never heard of anyone packaging marijuana in such a way before. “When it comes to drug-dealing, you’re only limited by your imagination.”The DEA recently released an intelligence bulletin about the gumballs, which Howard County police say were confiscated from Ellicott City’s Howard High in January. “We’ve not seen anything like this before,” said Howard County police spokeswoman Sherry Llewellyn. “If the DEA thinks it’s enough for an intelligence bulletin to come out, then it’s important. This is the only case of this we’ve seen in Howard County for sure.” County police said they charged three 17-year-old students at Howard High this year in the incident after a teacher alerted a school resource officer. On Jan. 11, the teacher told the officer that she saw a student give a small plastic bag that she believed contained drugs to another student. The police officer contacted the student and seized the bag, which contained two small “candy balls” wrapped in foil containing marijuana, police said. Police charged two students at the school with distribution of drugs on school property and a third with possession of marijuana. Howard County police turned the gumballs over to Maryland State Police, whose Forensic Sciences Division Laboratory in Pikesville determined each gumball contained approximately one gram of marijuana. The instructions on the foil of the gumballs told users to chew for 30 minutes to one hour “before you would like receive your high” and to “chew for as long as possible, then swallow.”Maryland State Police said it was the first time they had encountered “Greenades,” according to the DEA intelligence report.


Interesting...but that sounds nasty.

Monday, July 10, 2006

New Wiener

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I need a bigger wiener, can you help me?" The doc says "As a matter of fact there is a new procedure where we use part of a baby elephantstrunk as an implant. It doesn’t hurt the elephant and it seems to work great."The guy has the operation the next week. A month later he is on a date with a beautiful young blond. His first date with his new wiener. They are having dinner at a fancy restaurant and making small talk when all of the sudden his wiener comes up from beneath the table and grabs a roll and disappears beneath the table.His date looks at him and says, "Gosh, can you do that again?" Embarrassed he says, "I probably could, but I don’t think my ass could handle another Biscuit

Sunday, July 09, 2006


I have the urge to jump over the counter at McDonalds and
Make my own Chicken McNuggets.
Because I’m tired of telling them that I want them fresh.
I’ll wait the five minutes but
They still give me some hot, nasty, microwave, re-cooked ones.
I have the right mind to slap the lady that tells me,
They are fresh. "No they aren’t!" I want to shout right back.
Don’t you ever have the urge to just punch people?
Too bad, I think sometimes that my body doesn’t react to my mind’s first reactions.
I think my urges are sometimes mean.
They are like my evil twin.
Like I have the urge to grab a cops gun.
Everyone who knows me, knows I would never do that though.
I mean, of course, unless I felt like acting on one of my many urges.
I have the drive to go rob a bank on broke days
Or go steal some money out of a cash register on some days.
I don’t think I would ever really do that.
Yet, am I criminal for thinking criminal thoughts?
A hoe for thinking hoe thoughts?
I have the urge to go stand on the freeway
And hold my hand up, just to see how many cars I can get to stop.
I have the urge to get hit by one of those cars
To see who would come to my funeral.
Just cause I have the desire to find out if anybody really cares.
Am I the only one?
Do other people think about doing things that they would never do?
Am I the only one that says to myself, "What if?"
What if I did this? What if I did that?
What if I stood in the middle of the street buck ass naked?
Would you laugh at my ugly body?
Okay, maybe you don’t think that,
And maybe that was just a little too much information.
But you know what I am saying.
What if we all acted out our urges?
I’d be dead, in jail right now, or in a insane asylum,
Trying to refrain from thinking about why I acted on my urges.
I have the urge to become a cop so that I can arrest bad cops.
Or I might like to lie and say I’m only 12
So I can catch the pedophile who is acting on his urges.
I have the itch to tell the bill collector that keeps calling and sending mail,
That I’m not ever going to pay them the money.
At least not until I get the money.
I have the longing to tell telemarketers to kiss my ass.
I have the urge to splurge, no work, just play all day,
Walk around cussing, telling everyone they can go to hell.
But I can’t do that. I won’t do that.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have urges.
That doesn’t mean I don’t slip and fall sometimes…okay a lot of times.
I have the urge to slap people that criticize us when we do fall.
When we fall victims to our urges, our desires, our sins.
Not all my urges are bad, cruel and senseless.
I have some nice urges, some sad urges,
Things to do urges, things I want to believe urges.
Like I have the urge to believe that things really happen like they do in the movies.
But as soon as I step out of the movie theater, reality erases that urge.
Sometimes I have the urge to cry in public, but I’m afraid to let others see me cry.
At times, I have the urge to sing, even though I can’t sing a note.
Urges are a funny thing.
Can you judge a person by their urges?
If so, then I a pretty weird person, leading a double life.
But I don’t think so, urges are what they are.
Quick thoughts thrown at our brain from whichever angle.
When we decide to act on these urges good or bad,
Then we become them.
Most of us rationalize and think.
And most of us don’t act on all of our urges.